If you’re like me, you try to improve your own wellbeing by improving things for those around you. Giving brings you joy, and seeing others succeed is what motivates you. Even if this doesn’t describe you, I bet there are times when you put the needs of others before your own, and usually it feels good. If any of this sounds like you, I will also bet that you’ve been in a situation where you’ve overextended yourself, and even though your intentions were good and you were trying to help, you let someone down in the end. Talk about a paradox!

It’s not that they don’t care about what else you have going on

How is it possible to let someone down when our intentions are good? Do they not understand that we are trying our best? Do they not see that we are only human and there are only so many hours in a day? They likely do, but they only see how your actions or inactions impact them in any given moment. They don’t see that you may have offered to help or support another person, or several people, at the same time. They may not see that you have family/friend obligations that have come up, or perhaps you just needed some personal time. This is not a bad thing, and they aren’t being selfish, but at any given moment in time the person you are trying to help may only see their need, or many needs, and your offer of help/support – that’s it, there’s no room in their mind for anything else. It’s not that they don’t care about what else you have going on, but in that moment, it’s not part of the equation. It may be your priority, but it’s not theirs, nor should it be.

Let’s say you have been chatting with an old friend who is going through a hard time. To you, the conversations have been rewarding because you feel like you’re helping them get though things. You take ten or fifteen minutes here and there to talk, and then you move on with your life, rarely thinking about this person until the next conversation. Now, put yourself in their shoes. Those quick conversations may have a massive impact. Those ten or fifteen minutes can leave lasting motivation for hours or days afterwards. This is fantastic! It means you have connected with someone and have been able to support them, but it also means that you need to clearly manage expectations or you run the risk of creating an imbalance between what you can deliver and what they want to receive. Have a look at the following examples:

• You finish your usual supportive conversation by saying – “Great chatting with you. We should do coffee later this week and see how things are going.”

This statement seems innocent. It’s noncommittal, and leaves the door open for change. The word “should” is important, as it implies that coffee is an option but not set in stone. This is where we get into trouble, though. While we may feel like we’ve ended the conversation and kept the door open for coffee at some point, maybe later in the week, we may have left the other person counting on it.

• You finish your usual supportive conversation by saying – “Great chatting with you. I’d love to do coffee sometime and see how you’re doing. With everything going on I’m not sure when that will be, but please don’t let me forget, and reach out if you don’t hear from me.”

This example opens a door for further conversations but without committing to a date, time, or venue. The statement also puts the ball in the other person’s court so they can play a role in managing their own expectations.

Like many of you, I’ve learned the hard way on this. As we get busy with work and life there are times when we simply can’t keep up with all the demands being placed on us, whether placed by external forces or self inflicted. This can creep up on us and we may not be able to start managing expectations quickly enough – this is why we have to make sure we do it all the time, not just when we get busy.

I can tell you from experience, your child will not forget

If you have kids you will know that you have to clearly and frequently manage their expectations as well. For the parents out there – how many times has your child asked for something and your response was “maybe” or “we’ll see.” On the surface these are also noncommittal statements, but I can tell you from experience, your child will not forget. Start early and be consistent, even if it is hard at times. Do you know you will never want or be able to have a dog? Make this clear from day one. Try sharing with your child all of the reasons why a dog isn’t a good fit for your family/household rather than being noncommittal and saying “maybe one day.” In this case, the worst thing that can happen is that you manage their expectations upfront and you move on. The best case scenario is that they don’t ask you for a few years and if you eventually change your mind you get to be the hero!

Perceived traits are far more forgivable than being known as unreliable

It’s hard to be clear at times, and being direct can often be perceived as blunt, curt, or brash. But, when it comes to earning the respect of others and truly building lasting relationships, those perceived traits are far more forgivable than being known as unreliable.

It takes effort, and is not as easy as giving open ended responses, but I encourage you to give it a shot. You may find that people lean on you a little less often, and that’s okay….while you’re managing their expectations it might just give you a chance to become more realistic with the ones you have of yourself.

Best wishes to you!

-Karmatunity