Have you ever done or said something you wish you could take back? Even worse, have you apologized profusely for something you’ve said and learned that even the most sincere and heartfelt apology can’t fully reverse the damage? If you answered no, you are either very new to this world, or have been incredibly and unrealistically lucky.

Several years ago my spouse started a new job, and during their orientation their HR Manager had the group crumple up a piece of paper while calling it names. The names didn’t matter, but they were encouraged to make them hurtful, something we might regret saying to someone once we settled down. They then asked the group to apologize to the piece of paper and smooth it out, as a way of visualizing the apology. What they quickly learned was, no matter how hard they tried to smooth out that piece of paper, it would never be intact again. The creases and wrinkles may fade, but they will always be there.

I had never seen the impact of those actions or statements put so clearly in front of me

This was profound to me. I had always been a firm believer in thinking before speaking or acting, as our actions cannot be reversed, but I had never seen this mantra visualized so clearly. For years I had been preaching about the Flash Reflection (click here to read that blog) to help people consider the pros and cons of each action or statement before making it, but until this moment I had never seen the impact of those actions or statements put so clearly in front of me.

I encourage you to think about the last time you’ve said or done something that hurt someone. Think about how many times you apologized, and how hard you tried to convince them that you were sincere. Now, think about how painful it was for you when you realized that you were never going to be able to make things right again. They may forgive you, but they will never forget, and each interaction you have with them will be influenced by this memory.

Let’s try to visualize this – think of this person again, but now picture them in your mind as a piece of paper, and picture yourself frantically trying to press the creases out of that page. Over and over you press the page, the creases become less defined and pronounced, but still clearly there. You rub your hands firmly across the page and the wrinkles blend slightly into the rest of the page, but they are still there. Repeating this over and over you find yourself becoming frustrated and frantic before becoming exhausted. You give up. How did this make you feel? It’s interesting that the hurtful words that you said not only impacted the person on the receiving end, but they now impact you, and will forever.

Consider creating your own space for documenting your thoughts

How do we prevent this from happening? It’s not easy, but it starts with pausing before we speak or act, and doing a Flash Reflection. If we find that we don’t have the self control to do this, we may just have to walk away from tough situations and give ourselves space and time before we react. One of the best ways to consider our thoughts and potential next steps is to put them down on paper. Consider writing some words on a piece of paper or draft an email, but don’t send it. Pause, reflect, and revisit it a few hours later, or better yet, the next day. Consider creating your own space for documenting your thoughts, like a journal. You can either tear the pages out when you’re done with them, or save them to reflect on down the road. There are many great journals out there, but we recommend something simple like the one linked below. Give it a try – once you can see your thoughts you can begin to take control of which ones you release, which ones you hold on to, and which ones you eliminate altogether.

Want our recommended journal? Grab a copy and start taking control of your thoughts now!

Will this prevent us from causing future creases or wrinkles in our relationships? No – we are human, after all. But when we consider the pros and cons of what we do/say, and put our thoughts down in our thought journal we begin to control how we react and how we treat others. If we can commit to doing this much, the odd slip up here and there becomes much more easy to take.

Best wishes to you!

Karmatunity