If you don’t know what I do for a living, it’s okay – I’m going to keep it a secret for now, but I will tell you that I deal with many people each and every day. Some of them are thrilled to see me, while others not so much. Most, however, fall somewhere in between and we have meaningful, productive, and professional interactions. I’m an introvert at the core, and interacting with people on a regular basis can be exhausting, but the outcomes of most of those interactions is what fuels me – I love helping people.

Given how important each interaction is to me, I have developed a skill, or tool if you will, over the years to be able to ensure almost all of my interactions are productive. I say “almost” because this skill doesn’t work 100% of the time, but we’ll get to that later.

Quite people have the loudest minds – Stephen Hawking

In my professional and personal life I have taken on many challenges and leadership opportunities. When we put ourselves out there in these roles there are expectations from those around us, and consequences if those expectations are not met. To help manage those expectations, or communicate effectively with people when they aren’t met, I have used my natural tendency as an introvert to think about everything I say before I say it. There are times where this means I don’t always get to say what I want, as others will jump in and speak before I have a chance, but if those around us truly care about what we have to say they will make time. If people don’t make time for you to speak, you may have to force them to make time, or decide to focus your energy on those who do without prompting. For those who choose to analyze their words before they speak, the information or statement that comes out is usually quite productive, and often powerful. Stephen Hawking said “quiet people have the loudest minds,” so be sure to give these people your attention – you will be thankful you did.

For those who have trouble taking the time to analyze before they speak, I offer this tool. The Flash Reflection takes just a second or two to do, and is often done in milliseconds once it becomes habit. The Flash Reflection is simple, and consists of two parts:

Ask yourself – How does what I’m about to say or do impact the person in front of me?

Will it offend them? It’s okay if it does, but be prepared for the fall out. Is there something going on in their life that may be triggered by your action/statement? Is the other person able to keep your action/statement between the two of you, and are you okay if they share with others? Was what you are about to say actually yours to share, or was it given to you in confidence? You don’t have to ask yourself these 4 questions each time, but they will help guide your mind when you consider the impacts of your action/statement before you make it. Over time you will add your own questions to the list, and expand your ability to reflect.

Ask yourself – What is the consequence of not doing or not saying something?

There are times when your inaction is what you have to reflect on. If you fail to call someone back when you said you would, will they understand, or be upset, and will it create extra heartache for you in the long run? If you don’t share a piece of information with someone will you open the door for them to create their own reality or rumour? If you don’t speak up or say your piece, will you be able to rest comfortably afterwards? There are many times where the things we fail to say or do are just as impactful as what we actually say or do – don’t forget this step.

Thank yourself for not doing or saying what you were about to.

It sounds simple, right? I guarantee you it is not, but it’s worth the effort. Next time you have an interaction with someone, try your best to ask just a couple of the question above. Don’t make it awkward by staring at them silently while they wonder if you’re okay. Take just a second or two, and get through as much of the reflection as you can before you speak or act. Sometimes you will just carry on without a second thought, but there will be times where you stop yourself if your tracks and thank yourself for not doing or saying what you were about to do. It may not happen for a few tries, but when this does finally happen to you it will be profound, and you’ll be happy you took the time for a Flash Reflection. As you use the tool it will become more natural and you will eventually be able to reflect on all of my above questions and more, without looking like a stunned animal. You may even begin to find the tool rewarding, as you collect an inventory of times where you’ve left another person in a better place than you would have had you not reflected first. Ultimately, you should also feel better knowing that you either said what needed to be said, or held back when the time wasn’t right. I’ve coached many people on this process and watched it work very well for some, and marginally for others, but even the slightest bit of reflection for some of the most outgoing and vocal extroverts will help them improve their interactions.

They are ready to challenge you regardless of whether you take the time for a Flash Reflection or not.

So, back to the “almost” factor. There are a small handful of people in this world that have already decided on their responses and actions towards you before you even walk in the room. These people have multiple responses and rehearse them in their heads often. They are ready to challenge you regardless of whether you take the time for a Flash Reflection or not. Distance yourself from these people. They too practice a form of reflection, but it’s not in a “flash” and it’s not aimed at improving the outcome of an interaction for both parties. These people think long and hard about how they are going to make themselves feel better, at your expense. Be kind to these people, but don’t wast more than a few seconds on them – your efforts are better spent elsewhere.

There it is – Flash Reflection. I encourage you to give it a try, and slowly, over time, you will become more and more thankful you did. You may still put your foot in your mouth from time to time, we all do, but it will be less often, and you’ll be able to rest easy at the end of the day knowing you acted or spoke with the best of intentions.